


and i'll breathe in you again

by lilliputianmerriell



Category: The Pacific (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Trans Male Character, Trans Snafu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 07:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14515005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilliputianmerriell/pseuds/lilliputianmerriell
Summary: Snafu is having bad day, but at least Bill Leyden is still an idiot.





	and i'll breathe in you again

**Author's Note:**

> Uploading some fics from [my Tumblr](https://lilliputianmerriell.tumblr.com/). This was from a request from an anon who simply asked for "trans snafu x sledge", so I went with it.
> 
> As I mentioned over at my blog, this is a modern AU because I’m not proficient enough in the history of medical treatment of trans-persons during the 1940s. If you want accurate trans-history and a beautiful incorporation of the pacific canon at its’ set time go check out [transguysnafu](https://transguysnafu.tumblr.com/) because it’s amazing and I love it and its’ creators.

“Snafu, are you in there?”  

Sledge’s knocking on the bathroom door did nothing to snap Snafu out of his frozen state as he sat at the toilet and stared with horror down at the dark red spot staining the inside of his boxers.

His mind hadn’t quite able to comprehend what he was seeing at first, the sight so unfamiliar at this point that he’d briefly wondered if maybe he’d hurt himself somehow. It felt as if his heart had dropped out of his chest and landed on the floor when he realized what the blood actually meant, and he desperately wished that it’d been his initial suspicion of him hurting himself rather than the proverbial punch to the face it actually was.

Snafu finds himself unable to move as he continues to stare down at the repulsive stain, not quite able to comprehend why his body had suddenly decided to betray him like that, since it’d been years since he’d experienced it last. The only thing he could think of being the culprit was he’d recently been recommended by his doctor to change the testosterone type for his shots to bring down his T-levels which had been too high. Snafu honestly hadn’t thought that much of it at the time, already dreading having to take the shots in the first place and changing up the T-type wouldn’t make him hate it any less.  

Or so he’d thought, but apparently trying to stabilize his testosterone levels had made things take a turn for the worse, and now he was sitting here on the toilet with bloody underwear around his ankles while cursing his useless doctor and feeling very much like crying about it all.

The worst part was that he should have been able to see it coming. The symptoms had been there for days, the nausea, the aching back, the stomach cramps. He’d resolutely ignored them though, refused to consider what they’d meant. After all, it’d been over four fuckin’ years since he’d had to even think about it, so why would he suddenly suspect it to return? Still, all the signs had been there, and he found himself getting furious with himself that he’d ignored them until they’d caught up with him while he was literally with his pants down.

It wasn’t fair, he thought he was done with this shit, that all the hormones and surgeries he’d underwent over the past years would prevent stuff like this from happening, but apparently there was no guarantees for permanence despite all the steps and procedures he’d had to endure, and the realization makes him sick to his stomach.

There’s another knock on the door, this one with a bit more urgency to it as Snafu can hear Sledge’s concern through the wood, “Merriell, please open the door. Is everything alright?”

A sense of panic fills him then as he realizes he will have to tell Sledge about this, not quite sure how the other man will react to these news as he had only met Snafu years after he’d fully transitioned, and that point this had stopped happening long ago.

His legs had fallen asleep at this point, and Snafu hisses at the pins and needles in them as he wills himself to move. He kicks off the ruined boxers in disgust and deposits it in the laundry basket, extracting a clean pair from the dryer which neither him nor Sledge had bothered emptying since laundry day three days ago. With robotic movements he steps into them and stuffs the underwear with paper to stop the blood from ruining another pair. He realizes with great dismay that he has to go to the store and pick up sanitary towels later if this was going to be a thing for the next couple of days as he couldn’t continue rely on shitty toilet paper the whole time. Maybe he could ask Sledge to go buy them, no one was going to question that stupidly angelic face if he claimed he was buying them for a girlfriend.

There’s another desperate knock on the door just as Snafu adjusted the now uncomfortable boxers back into place, and Snafu finally opens the door to see Sledge standing there looking anxious, his eyes roaming over Snafu to check if he’s alright.

“What,” Snafu snaps defensively, not enjoying his boyfriend’s scrutinizing eyes on him while he was feeling as disgusting as he was now.

“You were in there for ages,” Sledge says concerned, not at all affected by Snafu’s biting tone, “Is everything okay?”

Snafu worries his lip as he has to look away from Sledge when he says, “Isn’t a man allowed to have a shit in private without ya worryin’ like some ol’ housewife?”

He can feel the heavy gaze Sledge levels him like hot coal on his skin, 

“It’s a code red,” he hears himself admit quietly, finding himself unable to meet Sledge’s eyes as he studies the dirt underneath his fingernails with great interest

There’s a moment of confused silence and Snafu looks up just in time to see understanding dawn on Sledge’s face followed by his lips pressing together sympathetically, “I’m sorry, Merriell. How… are you feeling?” he seems unsure whether he’s allowed to ask, and it kind of makes Snafu want to laugh at the absurdity considering how much Sledge knew already.

Considering how fucking down he’s feeling at the moment though he doesn’t laugh, only winds his arms around his aching belly as he answers honestly, “Like shit.” He doesn’t mean to sound as pitiful as he does, but he’s having a difficult time concealing how much this was affecting him.

A careful hand place on top of his arms that are wound tightly around himself and as much as he doesn’t feel like being touched right now, Sledge’s physical closeness is so comforting and he’s so mentally exhausted that he allows the other man to gently engulf him in the most encompassing hug Snafu had ever experienced.

“I know it doesn’t make me any less of a man, it’s just…” Snafu finds himself unable to finish the sentence as his throat constricts painfully, pressing his face firmly into Sledge’s broad shoulders to hide his shame from the other man.

Sledge doesn’t comment on the hitch in his voice, only threading his fingers through Snafu’s short hair and places a kiss atop of his head as he mumbles into his curls, “Just what?”

Snafu shrugs noncommittally, but Sledge nudges him lightly to get him to continue. Snafu huffs with frustration, struggling to find the correct words to voice his thoughts, “I hate to be reminded that was a part of my past, even though I know that’s not me. I know I’m a man, it’s one of the few things I am totally sure of, but this is just… a painful reminder that cause a lot of unwelcome feelings and fucks with my head.”

There’s a moment of silence as Sledge seems to consider his words, his fingers having slipped underneath Snafu’s shirt and were tracing patterns in the small of his back as he thinks. It’s a pleasantly distracting sensation that makes Snafu relax into Sledge’s shoulder.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Snafu shakes his head, feeling the scratch of Sledge’s stubble tickling the top of his head as he does this. There really wasn’t anything that could be said or done to make him feel any better at the moment, knowing that he’d just have to deal with and get on with his life as much as he hated how anxious and disgusting it made him feel.

They stand in silence for a while as Sledge’s gentle fingers massage his lower back, easing some of the pain that had started flaring up in the past few days.

“Hey, do you want to hear what Bill did today?” Sledge says and chuckles quietly without stopping his hand movements.

Snafu turns his head to rest on Sledge’s shoulder to indicate that he was listening, and sees the small, warm smile forming on his boyfriend’s face as he recalls whatever idiotic thing Leyden had accomplished that day.

As Sledge recounts the long-winded tale of how Bill managed to get his head stuck in a trash can for five dollars and had to have the old cafeteria lady save him with a tub of lard, Snafu is only able to concentrate on the infectious laughter that fills the room and the fingers which has yet to stray from his waist.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
